


English Yew

by orphan_account



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Grim Reaper Character - Freeform, Other, Pre-Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:46:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22688710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The personal memoir of a Shinigami.
Kudos: 2





	English Yew

Depression.

Sometimes you find yourself surrounded by people who know the word while you are too young to have learned it yet. 

In the beginning it starts out simply, only because you didn't know there was a word for it, leaving you unprepared on how to recognize it's toxic effects until it's too late. Bad habits form in place of where you should be learning how to develop healthy relationships. Leading heightened emotions to result in lashing out at others. It's not their fault that I outwardly express the hatred I feel for myself, consequently hurting those close to me. It's my fault and to hide away from the guilt I push everyone who's left away because that's the easiest option other than to just say, sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Some understand the basics, the textbook definition, the social stigma, the inconvenience of dealing with someone's emotional baggage, however such a word shouldn't make things complicated. Communication is supposed to be simple, but it remains a taboo subject..

Can I really be mad because no one explained the concept of the word to me? Because everyone's own interpretation is always changing, it's purely based on one's own life experiences; but anything would have made things easier, put things into perspective, would have been better than nothing.

It's easier when you're young and ignorant, your actions are subconscious. It's not my intention to want to make others feel as low as I do, to bring them to my level so I feel less alone with my fluctuating emotions and intrusive thoughts. In the moment you rationalize "it's just the way I am". It won't be until later for me to realize my negativity and toxicity- Deep down they don't deserve to deal with you, you don't deserve them. Their time, patience, and kindness, wasted on you. So hurt them, get them before they get you. Give them a reason to turn their back on you, to make sense of their eventual abandonment. Prove the suspensions of your delusion true.

When something good happens in life and your first reaction is to become suspicious especially when the pieces fell together so perfectly, that it can't possibly be real. Where the overall outcome isn't easily predictable but what is certain is that the only person who has the power mess everything up, is yourself. To worried about failure to remember to enjoy the ups, unenthusiastic due to stress that you eventually fall down.

Depression makes you selfish. Sometimes you refuse to get back up again.

Everyone will meet some form of pain and hardship in their lifetime, that's what makes us the same but still, many don't feel what the word means, some can't relate. It's something not everyone experiences. The commonalities end between those who are sad and those in such a dark place that one starts to contemplate the end. Those who gain the idea to commit the unthinkable act, who attempt and survive, are forever changed. 

When what you thought was normal, self preservation, vs what's not considered normal, wishing for, or planning your own death, becomes your new normal.

Such negative thinking turns you into a good liar. Ten year plan. Two years past, then five, then seven and you're nowhere near your goals, yet you tell everyone the same story, that “it takes time”, you've “been busy with other things” or maybe your plans "changed" unexpectedly. Excuses. It gets to the point no one believes you're trying to actually improve and you start to panic, your cover is blown, because normal people have goals. Normal people plan for their future but I'm not normal, I can't imagine my life that far ahead where I'm happy and I'm still alive. They'll suspect something is wrong but despite that, when your jokes turn into silent cries for help they are ignored. You become so used to rejection that the painful sting turns into a dull pinch.

You want their help but realize, those who are close to you aren't qualified to diagnose you. Not obligated to help you, because pushing me away is easier than saying, sorry, I can't help you.

Managing life with the only method that makes sense in my sick mind. Thoughts of suicide become a coping mechanism: I said something stupid, I did something wrong, I’m a continuous failure, it doesn't matter, nothing matters because one day I'll be dead. Likely, by my own hand. 

However, there are rules you must follow. You mustn't admit it out loud. Don't say it around people because they'll think it's for attention. Don't throw it in anyone's face as a means for revenge or to guilt them, that’s manipulative, and you might as well hide it from those who actually care, who want you to talk about it because you might have to admit some personal things. Maybe they’ll lock you up, validating how truely crazy you must be. The sheer insanity of not wanting to exist anymore will baffle some.

Now I'm here, left with only my thoughts to keep me company, content that all those I once called friends and family are too long gone to mourn me. The darkness to cool the anxiety burning in my face down to my chest, to remind me that I am free from any earthly attachments and the time is now. I bounce the red berries in the palm of my hand before throwing the bunch into my mouth. The sticky sweetness of the berries is pleasant until you hear the bone splitting crush of the deadly seeds hidden within. 

I sit back and wait for oblivion.


End file.
